Friday, January 21, 2011

This message will self-destruct in...

I went to visit my sister yesterday. She was listening to some old school R&B, and singing as she cooked. It was a little different from all the other times I'd pass by. Either the TV was on, or some random radio station was on as background noise. Before I knocked on the door, I could tell this was a CD she purposely put on to enjoy.

Twenty minutes in, I ask her, "What the fuck is this you're listening to?" Not because It was horrible, but because I wanted to understand what mood she was in. She goes on to explain that it was a CD a friend made her about 2 years ago, but she never listened to until that day. She knew he had a crush on her, but by listening to the CD, she fully understood how deep his feelings were.

She recounted moments when he'd confess his love for her.

"Yo, I love my mother, but I'm IN love with you."

I couldn't help but laugh when she said that. I instantly felt bad for laughing. I've been in his shoes so many times. I knew the pain of wanting someone you couldn't have. I've seen life from that side of the fence. Hearing my sister tell her side of the story just made me laugh. I saw life from her side of the fence as well. Being the object of adoration isn't any easier than adoring someone who doesn't feel the same. The bottom line is, if its not mutual, both parties suffer. [I know. Duh!]

As I left for work, I suddenly remembered the many times I was that fool. The one professing his love for a pretty face. The one writing obscure poems about feelings I could never express. The one daydreaming and imagining parallel universes where he could be with the object of his affection. I suddenly felt so stupid. It became clear as day that they were no doubt laughing their heads off, as my sister was with me, as they remembered little moments; things that were said; secrets that were revealed; gifts that were given.

I suddenly remembered a scene in "Say Anything," where John Cusack's character leaves a voicemail asking Diane Court to "nuke" the card he'd given her. He said it hurt him to know that it was out there. That's what we need. Expiration dates on these "gifts." Let them cease to exist as soon as the "friendship" ends. No need for us to STILL be laughing stocks years later.

Monday, January 10, 2011

50 Facts About Me

1. I have a really good memory.

2. I'm the most social anti-social you'll ever meet.

3. My favorite color is black.

4. I think its really sexy when a girl yawns.

5. I have a superiority complex. I've got your garden variety, run of the mill insecurities, but I still refuse to believe anybody is better than me.

6. I once wanted to be a writer, and wrote about 10 chapters of a fictional autobiography.

7. I used to rap when I was in high school. My name was "Mr. Unknown."

8. Ass and boobs are great, but I loooove a pretty face.

9. All of my favorite movies deal with time-travel in some shape or form.

10. I'm not allergic to anything [that I know of, so far in my 28 yrs...knock on wood].

11. I'm attracted to girls who have daddy issues. Not on my own accord. I just noticed that's the common denominator for all the ladies in my life.

12. I got my first cavity when I was 26.

13. Saying the alphabet backwards is a piece of cake for me.

14. I used to steal from my parents when I was young. I felt so guilty that, when I was of age, and had the means to, I'd shower them with lavish gifts, as if that would make up for it.

15. My favorite book is "Flowers for Algernon."

16. I make the same new year's resolution every year: Make more money, stay healthy, be creative.

17. I'm very self-sufficient, and I'm a minimalist in every sense of the word, even in the way I dress.

18. I judge people by what they complain about.

19. Growing up, I was Catholic, Christian, Jehovah's Witness. At this point, religion is a joke to me.

20. I haven't seen a doctor since my teens.

21. Slow soft kisses turn me on.

22. Phone sex is overrated.

23. I used to save EVERYTHING. Now I throw shit out with the quickness.

24. I fell in love with Tupac when I was 14. I'm still a huge fan.

25. I love watching obscure, independent titles as opposed to blockbuster hits.

26. I dropped out of college on the first day of my junior yr.

27. My friends all say that I don't love them. They just don't understand that I like to be alone.

28. Girls with hairy arms are sexy to me.

29. My parents have never told me they love me. They've never even written it on paper. We get along just fine.

30. I set up little challenges with myself to see how long I can go without masturbating.

31. I love fruits. Apples are my favorite.

32. I have a slight fear of getting old and organs not working, so I try to live as healthy as my schedule/salary/surroundings allow.

33. I've got no problem telling friends how much they mean to me, but can't find the words to say it to a close relative.

34. I wear boxer briefs.

35. I think sex is a woman's game. Its all about the girl and making sure she's pleased.

36. I'm honest to the point of offending, though those are never my intentions.

37. I have a fascination with words.

38. I hate rainy days, except when I don't have to leave my house.

39. There's a song stuck in my head since 2005. Its an instrumental. I don't know the title of it, but I am dying to download it and put it on repeat.

40. I own a PS3, but only use it for Netflix. I only have 2 games.

41. I'm not into sports at all, with the exception of playing them.

42. Cristian Castro is my absolute favorite singer. I mean, there are many others, but he's at the top of that list.

43. I'm extremely stubborn. It takes a lot to change my mind.

44. I'm scared of heights.

45. I hate feet. I don't like to even look at them. I don't care if they're well groomed, I can't stand them.

46. I have 22,775 songs and 199 movies in my iTunes library.

47. Superman is my favorite superhero, and I watch Smallville religiously.

48. If I ever had a child, I'd do everything to make them the greatest human possible.

49. My ears are my "spot."

50. I love turkey wings

Sunday, January 09, 2011


This hasn't happened in a very long time, and I'm thankful for that. I was reminded of it this morning as I lied in bed with my pillow over my face.

When I was younger, I'd wake up in the middle of the night in a panic. Somehow, in between dream and consciousness, I'd feel myself suffocating. It wasn't ever something dramatic. It was a slow excruciating reminder that I was running out of air. Every single time I inhaled, it became harder and harder to breathe. I'd tell myself, "All you have to do is take your right hand and move the blanket off of your face." But I couldn't move. I felt lazy. Paralyzed. I'd give myself a pep talk. "Ok, the next time you inhale, take your right hand and move the blanket past your chin, or you're gonna fucking die a virgin!" Nothing.

Death suddenly felt imminent. I couldn't wake up to actually stop this. I couldn't even move my arms. Each breath was measured, and I began to imagine myself in a small container floating to the bottom of the sea.

Just as I feel like there's only enough air for three more breaths, I manage to wiggle from under the blanket. The cold air of night hugs my face, and I breathe the way I imagine a newborn baby breathes after escaping the womb.

It wasn't till years later that I built up the courage to actually ask friends/family/coworkers if that has ever happened to them. A lot of people knew exactly what I was talking about. Some looked at me crazy.
I'm convinced this is how some people die in their sleep.